Tuesday, February 9, 2016

2 and 1/2 years later

I never did reinvent myself, and here it is 2 and 1/2 years later. If anything, I lost parts of myself. I don't know who I am any more. Family and friends have passed away, leaving huge holes in my heart. The depression I was diagnosed with has wrecked havoc with my life. I have become a person that I no longer recognize.

MoonGoddess  was a name I took on years ago when I joined a message board run by Chris Caffery of Trans-siberian Orchestra fame. I  choose that name because Diana was the goddess of the moon...and I am Diane...and I needed a nickname. I was a different person back then. I loved everyone and tried to make friends of them all.  I refused to take sides, and attempted to get everyone to do the same, and to try and find some good in everyone. I had a sense of humor. I did not hate. (There was a woman on the CCB who decided I was a fake and actually told me behind the scenes that she did not know why people liked me and that she would NEVER be my friend....and I did not even hate her!) The CCB had what was referred to as the BIffy's- awards for it's members.  I won "nicest female" for the 3 years I was there.   I guess my point is that I embodied traits that I began to associate with a kind and loving goddess.

So what went wrong? How did I end up such a bitter, unhappy person? I have even gone so far as to say "I hate people" and as my therapist Sally pointed out...that is really not me at all. I get that it's ok to change...it's normal to change....my life is not the same as it was back then. Both parents and my youngest brother are gone....that changes a person. Several CCB friends are gone.....all of whom I loved like family. That changes a person. And depression just plain old messes with your head. But I don't like myself much anymore.So today I start my journey to rediscover MoonGoddess. I need to find her before she completely disappears.